It’s 1am and I can’t sleep, so I thought this’d be a good thing to write about as it’s been preying on my mind. In this, I won’t be talking about dissociative identity disorder as much, as I draw most of my blog ideas from personal experience and I wouldn’t be able to write about it. For more information on it click here.
Dissociation, in psychiatry, is feeling separated from your physical and/or emotional being. There are different types of dissociation, the two most talked about being derealisation and depersonalisation. Derealisation is a state in which you feel as if the world around you is not real, and depersonalisation is when you feel that you are not real, or that you are watching yourself through a screen. As you can imagine, the two often happen together.
Personally, I have both of these and it’s at its worst when I’m stressed or overwhelmed. For example, if I’m in a busy place such as a high street with lots of noise, I can dissociate. For me, it is like watching your life through a TV screen. The world becomes blurred and foggy, and I struggle to concentrate. Sometimes, I become convinced that I’m not real and will take dangerous risks, such as walking across busy roads without really noticing the dozens of cars, partly because I don’t notice them and partly because I believe I couldn’t be in danger if I’m not real. That’s when it starts to get dangerous for me, really. But mostly, it’s zoning out in a stressful environment, which can be anything from school to a FaceTime call, and then forgetting hours at a time and feeling completely cut off from reality.
I haven’t really talked to any therapist in depth about it. They’ve all said it’s a coping technique I’ve developed over the years to numb emotional pain, and now I can’t get rid of it, but no one’s actually told me ways to get rid of it. Maybe it’s better this way, and my completely emotional self would just be too much for myself and everyone around me. I don’t know, and I have no way of knowing until I sort it out. On my post about coping mechanisms, I did include a couple of techniques to ease dissociation which I do use occasionally, but sometimes I’m not aware I’m doing it – I’m just convinced I’m not real, and my mind can’t make the link in the fragile state it’s in. Obviously it passes, since I’m able to write about it right now with a lot of depth.
Anyway, this post has been quite deep and very therapeutic, maybe because it’s almost 2am now and I’m tired and emotional. Have a good day ❤