This post will probably be quite hard to write, as I’ll talk about things very personal to me. However, I will still write it because I partly need to do it for myself and I partly want to do it for other people. I hope you enjoy 🙂
Right now, my day isn’t filled with very much, which is probably a bad thing – I have a lot of time to think about myself and overthink everything. I also have a problem with even recalling feeling an emotion after I’ve felt it, such as being dangerously low for a couple of hours and then suddenly switching to happy again and going “Wtf there was no problem I’m so great I Love Life” and I genuinely believe it, forgetting everything I’ve felt for the whole afternoon. I’ve come to realise this through my mood journal and because of this it’s going to make it quite hard to actually give an accurate description of what my day is like, although I’ll try my best based on my mood journal, what others tell me and the bits I do remember.
When I wake up, I never know how I’m going to feel. I can’t even say what my mood is the majority of the time, because it’s so unpredictable. It can range from feeling numb and spaced out (dissociation), feeling euphoric, being intensely angry, being really low or just nothing at all, if I’m lucky. These emotions will probably change once or twice during the day, but I have days when I’m all of them at the same time (sounds impossible but trust me) or switching rapidly. On top of all that, each emotion is felt intensely and painfully, making them really hard to deal with. As you can imagine, this is really fucking exhausting and generally leads to me withdrawing completely. My psychiatrist calls this severe emotional dysregulation, but hasn’t really explained further. I guess it doesn’t really need explaining as I’ve done it quite well. This is mostly the reason why I’m not in school anymore, because if you add social interaction on top of that it’s a recipe for disaster. I’ve been referred to dialectical behavioural therapy, but won’t start that for a few months.
My diagnosis used to be major depression, but it’s recently changed. To what, I’m not sure of exactly, but emotional dysregulation is a part of it. I think now my depression’s lifted, all my underlying problems are being revealed. It’s a bit like picking up a huge rock, only to see the hundreds of bugs crawling underneath it. Except in this case I think it’s just one or two massive beetles. In the DBT service they’ll clarify whether or not it’s emerging borderline personality disorder, which is good.
Apart from that, life’s pretty good and I do have a lot to be grateful for. I have a nice house with a garden, an amazing family and a supportive network around me (although not at the moment to be honest). I also have an adorable golden retriever who’s actually the love of my life, no argument.
Have a good day!